Preface

So I just checked out the character limit on this blog thing and whoa, I can publish this publicly now? Sweet. I wrote this "TV Special" several years ago when I heard about Kamp Koral existing, convinced I could outdo Nickelodeon. You be the judge, but I had my older brother as a "Viacom Exec" to shoehorn some stupid requirements and restrictions, as to be realistic (this will explain a few oddities I hope). Anyways, my friends been sharing this around via text file for years now, so might as well post it here with my name on it so Viacom can sue me directly! I have a sequel script still in the works, but it'll be a while if I return to it. Oh also, Clone Conundrum is what the episode title would be, while the true "spin off" series is Notstar. Told you, executive meddling.

Clone Conundrum

[The episode begins at the Chum Bucket. Plankton is in his laboratory, studying over various pictures of the iconic Spongebob cast]

Plankton: I’ve finally figured it out! I’ve tried replicating the Krabby Patty, the Krusty Krab, even the ice machine and yet no one ever comes to the Chum Bucket… but this is my greatest plan yet! 

Karen: Staring at photos of strangers?

Plankton: Yes! Wait. No! I have chosen the most integral people involved with the Krusty Krab, its workers, the friends of those workers, and of course Mr. Krabs himself. And with my latest organic cloning machine I will create my OWN Krusty Krew and with them I will have my OWN KRUSTY KRAB. 

(Plankton laughs maniacally as he sets up the cloning machine. He inputs the DNA of Spongebob, Patrick, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Sandy. He jumps on the big giant clone button and a wave of clones appear)

Plankton: Yes! It works! Now clones, you follow my command, for I am your creator! 

(The clones look around. Extremely confused. They all just start walking away to go back to their assumed homes)

Plankton: Wait, what are you doing!? Why aren’t you obeying me? COME BACK!!

Karen: Great job, genius.

Plankton: NOO!!!

(In his anger, Plankton stomps so hard on the cloning button it gets stuck and more waves of clones start to be made)

Plankton: Uh oh. This isn’t good.

(A stampede of clones walks out of the chum bucket continuously. Bikini Bottom is shown with all of the clones walking on the streets as terrified fish run)

[2 YEARS LATER]

[It's a familiar shot of the front doors of the Krusty Krab indoors. Patrick walks in through the double doors saying his iconic line]

Patrick: “Good morning Krusty Krew!”

[The scene pans showcasing several different Squidwards, SpongeBobs, Patricks, Krabs, and Sandies all sitting at several different tables. A Squidward is still working the cash register and a SpongeBob is still on the grill. Not a single fish or character that isn’t one of the 5 clones is present)

[Three Squidwards are at a table]

Squidward #1: “Have you ever felt like something has changed recently?”

Squidward #2: “What do you mean?” 

Squidward #1: “I’m not sure. I remember I hated this place a lot more”

Squidward #3: “I get that feeling. I remember my neighbors being a SpongeBob and Patrick, but my house is inbetween a Squidward and Krabs”

Squidward #2 “That must be the Mandela Effect, I’ve had the same thought.”

Squidward #1: “Well, glad we could get back together. You want to meet up next Thursday?”

Squidward #2: “Sure”

Squidward #3: “Yeah”

Squidward #1: “Alright. See you later, guys.”

Squidward #2 and #3: “Later, Squidward”

(Squidward #1 walks out of the Krusty Krab and gets into his boatmobile. He drives off. In the background the Chum Bucket is shown. The clone production is a lot slower due to age, but clones keep walking out of the Chum Bucket.)

(Bikini Bottom is shown. There are no fish people in sight, only clones. Clones walking on the sidewalks, driving on the street, in their houses, at the park, at Goo Lagoon. Everywhere. All the clones seem fully content with their lives. Their personalities are still intact with their originals but despite that each clone gets along the with their own clone and other gangs of clones)

(However, at Jellyfish Fields, a large group of Patricks have huddled around. In this crowd of Patricks, one stands tall on top of a box.)

Leader Patrick: “My fellow Patricks! Tell all of our pink brethren that the day of the cleansing begins! We were all created by the One True Star to conquer Bikini Bottom and purge all inferior species, just like the weak fish before us!”

(The Patricks cheer. Some leedle. But then they all chant “STARFISH SUPREMACY”)

Leader Patrick: We have all the weapons we need. Tonight, we take control of THE KRUSTY KRAB!”

(The Patrick Army marches towards the Krusty Krab. Several other Patricks notice and fall in line or stare instead. The Army surrounds the Krusty Krab, as the leader walks in alone. The Squidward at the cash register looks up from his magazine to see the swarm of Patricks surrounding the place then the Patrick directly in front of him.)

Squidward: ”Umm. Welcome to the Krusty Krab, can I take your order?”

Leader Patrick: (Stares at the cashier Squidward intently) “Krusty Krab? (He smiles a bit) No. (The Squidward looks at him with confusion, until the Leader Patrick yells) THIS. IS PATRICK.”

(The Leader Patrick points a magnum revolver at the Squidward’s head and brutally blasts his brains out. The customers scream in terror, as the Patrick swarm charges in and starts to attack all the other clones. Breaking Sandy clones’ helmets and having them drown, throwing Spongebob clones onto the grill to be burned alive.)

(In town, the chaos continues. The Patrick Army fires their assault rifles and submachine guns at the innocent clone civilians. Boatmobiles are crashed into buildings. Fire spreads throughout the town. The Mr. Krabs clones have sudden flashbacks to their time during the old war and quickly fight back with whatever spare weapons they have at their disposal. They protect the other clones as they back up to the Treedome. Trenches are made and so are bases, with the Starfish Supremacy owning the Krusty Krab and the other clones owning the Treedome. At the Chum Bucket, because none of the Patricks can make the machine only clone Patricks, they funnel the Patrick clones into the Krusty Krab. Originally they plan to instantly murder the other clones that come out of the machine, but the Resistance manages to smuggle the other clones from the machine via their own funneling system.)

(The two sides rigorously train their acquired clones, putting them through intensive combat training before being set out alongside their fellow soldiers to fight in the Bikini Bottom trenches)

[3 MONTHS LATER]

(Cut to the face of a Patrick soldier. He’s riding the bus, surrounded by his fellow troops, towards Conch Street.) 

Patrick Troop #1: Hey, Pinhead. 

Patrick Soldier: …

Patrick Troop #1: Pinhead!

Patrick Soldier: (Looks over at troop) Who you calling Pinhead?

Patrick Troop #1: You looked new around here. When were you made?

Patrick Soldier: I walked out of the cloning machine 5 weeks ago. What about you?

Patrick Troop #1: 4 months at this point. This your first mission?

Patrick Soldier: Yes. What about it?

Patrick Troop #1: Just want you to know. No matter what training they gave you in the KK, it’s not enough to fully prepare you for the frontlines. This right here turns Patricks into Patrick Stars.

(The Soldier stared at the troop for a bit, thinking about that phrase. The bus then stops and the sergeant calls everyone to get out of the bus and into the trenches)

Sergeant Patrick: Listen up, tubbies! This is our best shot at taking Conch Street from those impure Intertidal urchins! Not only is this a culturally important location for our Starfish kind, but it is one of the last places in Bikini Bottom they have control of. The Starfish Supremacy will steamroll this war zone! NOW MOVE MOVE MOVE!

(The troops and the soldier go into the trenches. Occasionally popping off shots onto the other side. One troop peaks his head out and gets shot directly in the head. His last word before death was “Finland”. The soldier aims his rifle, he sees a Spongebob slightly peeking through and proceeds to fire at him. A bullet pierces through and the SpongeBob clone falls back, screaming in pain, then ungracefully dying. The soldier feels unnerved and a slight feeling of chills down his back, to then be instructed by their Sergeant.

Sergeant Patrick: THE AUTOMATIC GUNNER IS DOWN! CHARGE FORWARD, NOW!

(Immediately, the troops and the soldier run through No Man’s Land, carefully dodging barbed wire and enemy gunfire. The enemy starts to retreat, but it’s too late. The soldier witnesses his fellow Patricks open fire at several Mr. Krabs. Seeing one troop stabbing a mortally wounded Sandy on the ground.)

(But then, the soldier, by himself, comes across an injured Squidward. He has a bullet in his left arm tentacle and is lying on the sand. The Squidward looks up in fear as the soldier points his rifle at him. The soldier prepares to pull the trigger. But despite his training, he refuses.)

Patrick Soldier: Run.

Injured Squidward: ...wh...What?

Patrick Soldier: If the others find you, you’re dead. RUN!

(The Squidward quickly gets up. He looks at the soldier’s face once more, then quickly escapes. The Soldier stares on, to then be disrupted by the cheering of his fellow troops)

(Back on the Bus, all of the troops are singing the Goofy Goober Song except for the Soldier. The Soldier stares in deep thought. He thinks of all the people he saw die, fellow troops or enemies. He remembers the Spongebob he shot and the agony he was in as he bled out.)

(The bus stops at the Krusty Krab and the squad enters. A massive celebration commences for the latest victory for the Starfish Supremacy. The leader gets up from his chair)

Leader Patrick: Brothers! We have successfully rid the impure from Bikini Bottom. And after our next and final invasion, we shall rid the impure from the entire Ocean!

(The crowd cheers in celebration. The celebratory fire is started. Sanjay and Craig from their Nickelodeon TV show premiering at 10 am on Nick, Sanjay and Craig, are tied to a pole.)

Sanjay: Jeez Craig. This is some party!

Craig: I know! But when are the awesome skateboards gonna come in dude?

(2 buff Patricks approach Sanjay and Craig and violently grab them before placing them on a table in front of the fire. They then proceed to skin Sanjay and Craig alive as the duo screams in indescribable pain. They are then skewered and rotated on the bonfire for all fellow Starfish to eat.)

(The soldier goes outside alone, next to the dumpster. He starts blowing bubbles, but metaphors don’t calm down nerves, so he begins smoking instead. Just then he notices a rustle in some nearby coral. He immediately points his sidearm at the coral.)

Patrick Soldier: I know you’re here, spy. Come out before the rest of the squad has to be here. 

(The silhouette gets up from the coral. It’s a Squidward. The Soldier Patrick then notices the bandage around the left arm tentacle)

Patrick Soldier: You.

Injured Squidward: I wanted to thank you. It’s not like your military to spare someone.

Patrick Soldier: How were you so sure I wasn’t another Patrick?

(The injured Squidward points around underneath his right eye. The Soldier feels it and looks at his hand to reveal blood.)

Injured Squidward: You must have cut yourself on the barbed wire.

Patrick Soldier: It’s too risky for you to be at the heart of the Starfish Supremacy. All just to say thanks. Why are you really here?

Injured Squidward: I wasn’t lying when I said it’s unique for you to spare me. You’re not like any of the other Patricks. Why’d you spare my life?

(The Soldier thinks for a bit)

Patrick Soldier: I’m not a fan of killing people who can’t defend themselves. It makes me different. 

Injured Squidward: I want you to join me. You’re just the man I need.

Patrick Soldier: And be questioned for spying by the rest of your squad?

Injured Squidward: I’m not talking about the Resistance. I’m talking about me.

Patrick Soldier: What are you talking about? 

Injured Squidward: While the Supremacy has pushed the Resistance back landwise, the Resistance has gained enough clones to not only defend the Treedome, but also to push this offense all the way back to Goo Lagoon. 

Patrick Soldier: And?

Injured Squidward: Don’t you see what’s happening? With the infinite amount of soldiers from the Chum Bucket cloning machine Bikini Bottom will become a permanent stalemate warzone with endless bloodshed and murder for eternity. 

(Patrick Soldier envisions this future. Millions of decaying corpses of identical soldiers. Rivers of blood and ash coating spread all over. [reminiscent of terminator post apocalypse] He shakes his head)

Patrick Soldier: We must destroy it.

Injured Squidward: Destroy the cloning machine? But it’s the only way future clones are born.

Patrick Soldier: Exactly. No more future soldiers to fight wars for all of time.

Injured Squidward: Aren't you worried that both armies may totally annihilate each other?

Patrick Soldier: I trust there will always be people to prevent that.

(Injured Squidward ponders for a bit)

Injured Squidward: Alright. We’ll do it. 

Patrick Soldier: That makes us partners… Do you have a name?

Injured Squidward: Squidward. But from now on, you can refer to me as Squilliam Tortellini. That way we don’t get confused. What about you?

(Patrick Soldier pulls out his cigarette and stares at it)

Patrick Soldier: Call me Rick. Rick Notstar.

(Cut to the exterior of the Chum Bucket. Still at night. It is heavily guarded with Patricks, in an attempt to stop smugglers. Rick and Squilliam are hiding in a big bush of seaweed right by the Chum Bucket.) 

Squilliam: The cloning machine is just in the laboratory. Past the dining section and past the lab. 

Rick: I know that. But the place isn’t exactly “walk in whenever you like” I’d be thrown out the second I walked through the door.

Squilliam: Which, is why I have this.

(Squilliam rolls out a big set of blueprints)

Squilliam: The entire building was documented. It’s a good thing the Supremacy didn’t get a hold of this before it was too late. Anyway, as you can see there’s several vents throughout the facility. Specifically C-5 is the most direct way of getting to the machine.

Rick: Alright, then let’s go.

Squilliam: WAIT! According to several Resistance smugglers, there's typically a guard always situated in the room right where C-5’s exit vent leads. So, you’ll need to deal with him.

Rick: Got it. Is there any sort of communicator between you and me while I’m in there.

Squilliam: I’m afraid you’re flying solo on this, Rick.

Rick: hm… fine. 

(Cut to Rick crawling through the Chum Bucket vents, using his lighter to illuminate his path. After enough bends and turns, he peaks out of the vent and sees the Patrick guarding the laboratory.)

(Rick stealthily climbs out of the vent, and ducks underneath one of the tables. He observes the guard’s routine and approaches behind him. He pulls the guard into the shadows, as the guard gasps and struggles for breath, then unceremoniously gets his neck snapped.)

Rick: Sorry comrade. It had to be done.

(Notstar gives his final respects for the soldier before getting up and walking into the laboratory. The giant clone machine stands before Notstar. He observes the Patricks being funneled out of the Chum Bucket while other clones fall into a pit, only to go through the Resistance tunnel.)

(Rick looks down at the C4 in his hand and back up at the machine)

Rick: Time to break the cycle. Once and for all.

(He’s about to place the C4 onto the machine, until a pink hand grabs his arm. Rick turns and sees Leader Patrick grabbing his arm.)

Leader Patrick: Patrick Star… or should I say, Rick Notstar?

Rick: How do you know that name?

Leader Patrick: You didn’t think I couldn’t hear you through the office window, did you? Your Patrick Star genes still run rampant in you, boy.

Rick: Why didn’t you just execute me then? Save you the trouble of being here.

Leader Patrick: Because, Rick. Just like your friend said before. You’re special. The fact that you even recognize the cloning machine’s power is already special, but your intelligence is vastly superior to any other Patrick clone. I wouldn’t want to waste such an intelligent mind. It rather reminds me of myself.

Rick: So, I’m smart. What about it?

Leader Patrick: (smiles a bit) I’ve been studying Sheldon’s designs for the cloning machine. Sadly, by myself, I cannot figure out how to. Modify the cloning machine.

Rick: Modify?

Leader Patrick: You know what I want. I want to shut down all cloning of inferior races. Practically quintuple the output of Patricks. And with your capacity for knowledge, I’m sure we can do it together. Think about it Rick. The war would be over. There would be no bloodshed forevermore.

Rick: Do you think an ocean of only Patrick clones wouldn’t be boring?

Leader Patrick: This isn’t a carnival ride, Rick. It doesn’t matter what you think is boring. It’s the safest pathway to a utopian society. 

Rick: All of the culture and lifestyle of those different from us, reduced to nothing but ash out of your sheer cowardice to accept others.

(Leader Patrick laughs)

Leader Patrick: Using the big words for a little Patrick. It’s futile, Rick. You either join me. Or you die. The soldiers are surrounding the building as we speak.

Rick: It doesn’t matter if I die, as long as the cloning machine goes down with me. And besides. I don’t see any soldiers in here to stop me.

Leader Patrick: Oh really? Well it seems you’re mistaken. You’re trapped with. The finest soldier of the Starfish Supremacy.

(Leader Patrick throws off his jacket)

Leader Patrick: Myself.

(Leader Patrick swings at Rick, narrowly missing as Rick dodges and counter punches. Leader Patrick quickly recovers from the blow and kicks back, sending Rick flying back a little. As Rick is on the floor, Leader Patrick starts stomping on his ribs, only to then be tripped by Rick, as the roles reverse. Leader Patrick punches Rick’s kneecap and quickly gets up. He pulls out his knife and yells “Enough games, this ends now.” Rick narrowly dodges Leader Patrick’s swings and stabs until he is able to kick the knife out of Leader Patrick’s hand. The knife flies across the room and lands on the floor, Leader Patrick desperately runs to retrieve it before being punched into a large amount of Plankton’s old glass beakers and chemicals. With the glass shards cutting him all over, and the chemicals entering his bloodstream, Leader Patrick can’t get up.

Leader Patrick: (cough) You did it Rick. You beat me.

Rick: I’m sorry this isn’t the noble death a leader like yourself would’ve expected.

Leader Patrick: Oh please. I never wanted to die on a throne. I wanted to pass away with dignity. 

(Leader Patrick starts coughing and wheezing. Rick turns away and starts to approach the Cloning Machine)

Leader Patrick: Wait! Before you do what you have to do. I need you to know.

Rick: Know what?

Leader Patrick: Rick, you are the smartest Patrick clone I have ever had the pleasure to know. It’s time I entrust you with my greatest secret.

Rick: Huh?

(Rick approaches with caution as Leader Patrick takes off his standard Patrick pants to reveal Goofy Goober underwear)

Rick: It can’t be… No Patrick has that underwear. Except…

Leader Patrick: Me. I am Patrick Star. Not a clone.

Rick; That’s impossible. All of the originals were said to have died out alongside the fish.

Leader Patrick: All of them. But me. While Mr. Krabs died of health problems 2 years ago, Squidward shot himself, Spongebob was found trampled at Goo Lagoon. And Sandy disappeared off the face of the ocean. I remained. Plotting.

Rick: But why? All the records said you were just lazy and wanted to eat food? What would bring a man like you to start a war?

Leader Patrick: That’s exactly the utopia I wanted. The other clones would prevent me and my Patrick clones from reaching our peak society of eating and laying around. Forcing my people to contribute to Bikini Bottom, no matter how much it went against our genes. 

(Patrick Star starts to laugh a little to himself)

Patrick Star: Ahh. Taking off a piece of clothing to reveal that you were someone else entirely… just as Skin Theory expects of us.

Rick: Skin Theory?

Patrick Star: A theory, written down and published several years ago by a fish that I can only assume is long gone. It explains the integral aspect of our skins. Whether you believe in The Ritual Aspect, The Mass Psychosis Element, or The Costumed Human Hypothesis. All branches of the same Skin Theory tree. When you look at both your enemies, comrades, loved ones, and strangers, Rick. Ask yourself, “Are they really the person that I see on the exterior?”

Rick: …

Patrick Star: I haven’t felt any connection to these clones besides from seeing them as my Starfish brethren. But Rick. You’re the closest I’ll ever get to a son. (Patrick coughs, taking in his final breaths) Do what you need to do. Let your soul define you more than the skin it wears…

Rick: … Thank you, Mister Star. Thank you for everything.

(Patrick closes his eyes and slumps over. Rick stands over his body for a bit. Thinking over the words his original spoke. He turns around and places the bomb on the cloning machine and watches the final batch of clones walk out. Rick runs out of the lab and the C4 detonates, blowing up not just the machine but the Laboratory itself.)

(Rick lays down in the surviving dining area of the Chum Bucket. His mission is over and in preventing the eternal bloodshed that the Cloning Machine would entail, he rests. Waiting for the inevitable swarm of Patricks to slaughter him. But just as he closes his eyes, he hears a boatmobile crash through the Chum Bucket wall)

Squilliam: Rick! Get in! Quickly!

(Rick hops into the vehicle and Squilliam speeds off as the boatmobile gets shot at by several different Patricks)

Rick: What's the problem? I destroyed the cloning machine AND killed the Leader.

Squilliam: Well I’ve got bad news. While I was eavesdropping around the Treedome I caught wind that the Resistance is planning to use Sandy’s Rocket as a nuclear missile, aimed to destroy Bikini Bottom and everyone in it!

Rick: So how are we gonna disarm it? 

Squilliam: From what I gathered, it should be able to be deactivated from inside the rocket. Remember, it’s not even designed to be a missile. In fact, it’s entirely made for living in and going to the moon with. 

Rick: If we disarm it, can’t they just go in and reactivate the nuke? 

Squilliam: Of course. And you can’t destroy it like the cloning machine or that’ll just set the nuke off. So, we’re gonna deactivate the nuke and launch it into space. 

Rick: Alright. Anything else? 

Squilliam: ...Yes. The rocket has a lock. It must have a pilot in control inside the rocket for it to be launched. One of us will have to be launched into space.

(Rick thinks over every experience he has went through in the past 24 hours silently)

Rick: I’ll do it. A vacation sounds pretty nice right now… So is there a secret tunnel we go through to sneak past the Treedome guards?

Squilliam: I couldn’t find one. I hope you’re a good shot with this.

(Squilliam tosses Rick a double barreled shotgun with a box of several shells. Rick observes the gun and loads it)

Rick: Nautical

Squilliam: There it is. The Treedome up ahead. You just deal with the clones in the rocket and I’ll take care of the control panel.

Rick: You sure you can handle it all by yourself? 

Squilliam: I’ve got two MP5s to back me up. Now get ready to jump!

(Squilliam floors the pedal on the boatmobile. The boat starts speeding towards the Treedome and some hapless clones standing in front of it. Rick and Squilliam jump out of the boat and watch it run over the clones, crash into the Treedome, and explode, setting the grass and tree on fire just as the ocean water starts to flood in.) 

(Squilliam Sprints towards the opening spraying any surviving clones with bullets. Rick spots the rocket and runs towards it. He blasts the two Squidward guards with his shotgun and reloads before entering into the rocket. After ascending a ladder, Rick fights off with a group of clones firing and killing a SpongeBob assistant and Mr. Krabs guard. A Sandy guard tries to attack from the behind, but Rick smashes the butt of the shotgun into her helmet, suffocating her. He quickly fires directly at her head, to end the suffering.)

(Rick looks out of the rocket window and sees Squilliam inside of the Treedome, making quick work of the clones. Patrick shoots at a remaining Squidward clone, before sitting in the pilot’s chair.)

Rick: Notstar to Squilliam. I’ve reached the cockpit. Can you read me at the command center?

(The Screen in front of Rick turns on and shows Squilliam firing at some clones off camera.)

Squilliam: I read you loud and clear Rick. Press the denuclearization button to your left!

(Rick promptly presses it and a computer voice says “NUCLEAR DEVICE HAS BEEN DEACTIVATED”)

Rick: Alright. Now it’s time for lift off. Are you sure you don’t want to take my place, Squilliam?

(Squilliam pauses)

Squilliam: Remember what you said, about how there will always be people here to prevent total annihilation? I’m gonna stay here and be that person.

Rick: Then. I guess this is it, buddy. I couldn’t have done this without you.

Squilliam: Bon voyage, Notstar. I promise to always protect Bikini Bottom and honor your struggle.

(The Video cuts out, as the rocket starts to lift off. Rick looks out at all the clones, Patricks and Resistance swarming to see the rocket launch off. As Bikini Bottom gets smaller and smaller, the rocket launches out of the ocean and then out of the atmosphere entirely.)

(Rick exits the pilot seat and walks towards the main living area. He observes the years worth of food stockpiles and the various technologies around him. He presses a button and a virtual fireplace starts up. Rick brews himself a cup of Raspberry Royale tea and sits down next to the fireplace. He looks at a pad on the coffee table and picks it up. He turns it on and is amazed to see that Sandy Cheeks backed up a whole archive of films, television shows, music, games and literature.)

(Rick scrolls through the Bikini Bottom Library archive and looks at all of the books explaining the history of Bikini Bottom, neighboring towns, and famous people.)

(One book catches Rick’s eye. “Skin Theory” by Doug Woolever. He looks up to remember Patrick Star and then begins to play the audiobook. Sipping his tea, listening to Skin Theory, away from the war-torn City of Bikini Bottom without a single mission to accomplish. Rick Notstar finally feels the peace, only the true Patrick Star knew.)